Friday, August 28, 2009

Movies in a Nutshell: Quarantine

The premise of "Movies in a Nutshell" is pretty simple: Describe or parody the basic premise or trademark of a whole movie or, if applicable, movie series. I saw Quarantine recently, so I'm starting with that one.

"Quarantine in a Nutshell"

"Hi, I'm a news lady here filming a documentary about firefighters. This is boring, but it's in the movie anyway. Let's skip to the more interesting part of the movie, shall we?"

*An old lady bites a cop, and that starts a chain that turns several people into rabid zombies. That's also when the super shaky camera starts making people sick more than any other part of the movie. Also, incessant screaming starts, mainly from the main girl.*

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"RAWR! GRRRRRRRRR!"

"RUN! RUN AWAY!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! NO! NO! NO!"

"GWAR!" *Crunchcrunchbitecrunch*

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"COME ON! HURRY UP! HURRY, CAMERA GUY! HURRYHURRYHURRYHURRYHURRY!" *Door slams. Zombies scratch and bang on the door constantly. Doesn't matter anyway because some people in the room become zombies!*

"OMG, WE TOTALLY DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING, OMGOMGOMGOMGRNRUNRUNRUN!"

"ROAR!"

*Firefighter kicks major ass until he somehow gets bitten in a lackluster way. Last two people left (the news crew, oddly enough) are chased into attic. Girl still screams and moans.*

"AHHHHHHHH! AH! AH! AH! NNNNNNHHH! NNH! NH! MMMMMM! MM! M! AH! UNH! NNNHHH!"

(At this point I want to smack this girl and tell her to shut the fuck up for the sake of keeping her and the camera guy alive, especially considering there's another fucking zombie in the attic! Big surprise, huh?).

"Oh no! Apparently, the guy living in the attic was in a cult, and he started this whole thing by stealing the virus from a military base! Oh shit, he's in the room! Luckily, he can't see us, so be quiet!"

Of course, the stupid bitch screams AGAIN!

"GWAR!"

*Camera guy dies*

Now what are you going to do, dumbass? If you can just reach the camera . . . oh, too bad! You got dragged away by the zombie to die! Nobody survives because of you, not even yourself!

END

. . . But wait a minute! They showed the ending in the advertisements, didn't they? Hell, they even put it on the fucking cover for the movie! What the fuck were the movie makers thinking? To be fair, not many people would have figured that would have been the ending before seeing it. However, it makes the ending a lot more anticlimactic and disappointing in the process!

Literally the ending of the movie.

Overall, though, the movie's not too bad. Of course, it scared the shit out of my girlfriend, but, although she did let out a scream, she at least didn't scream like the girl in this movie (I'd still love her either way, though). Also, it's a remake of a movie called [REC], which I've heard was far superior. That isn't surprising considering just about every remake is worse than the original. I've yet to see it, but now I'm curious.

1 comment:

Love Lover said...

I love you too. ♥ ^_^