Saturday, August 29, 2009

Movies in a Nutshell: Final Destination Series

A new Final Destination movie is coming out. Big whoop. The first two movies were great, but nowadays I can easily tell, at least in some way, what's going to happen. Watch as I spoil the newest movie for you without even having to see it.

"The Final Destination Series in a Nutshell"

A bunch of people are involved, unwittingly, in cheating death by some person in the group having a premonition, who in turn saves them out of sheer terror. Sure enough, his/her premonition comes true, and everyone is killed off one by on by some "supernatural force" (they never say it's Death, but it's easy to figure out). But they're not just killed off in a normal way most of the time. Usually what happens is something like a Rube Goldberg machine. For example, a fire hydrant bursts for no apparent reason, the cap of which hits a fat guy in the crotch, to which he falls on the end of a board in a construction zone, which launches something heavy into the air, which knocks into telephone pole wires and makes them fall and crackle with electricity, which hit the ground where the water from the fire hydrant is spreading, which one person, the victim, is standing on instead of being smart and running the fuck away from the action going on, thus the victim is killed through electric shock.

After a couple of people die, the main character, the person with the premonition (and, for some stupid reason, always the last person to die, both in the premonitions and the movie) starts seeing the obscure signs that hint at not only who dies next, but how they die. That person, and maybe one other, try to save the others, and themselves, from Death. This, however, causes a change in "Death's List." The person who was saved is now the last person marked. In other words, that person's going to die anyway, but it's later rather than thirty seconds ago. However, the cycle never stops, even if you're saved a million times. What fun it is to know that you're never safe!

Eventually, everybody dies. Yes, in every movie, everybody dies, at least they eventually do, whether in the end of the current movie, in the next one, or even in between movies.


First off, The Final Destination (in other words, Final Destination 4) should not have been called that. It's confusing because it only adds the word "The" to the title compared to the first movie. So it really should've been named . . . well, Final Destination 4. Why did they not choose that instead?

Second, this new movie has the same fucking formula as with the rest of the movies in the series. The only reason they keep making Final Destination movies is to create more unique (and usually unrealistic) death scenes, like the one I described above, although that one was just one that I made up. However, I'm sure the movie makers are going to use that in a future installment now that I made it up. Trust me, it's not hard to do. It took me less than a minute to type that out just off the top of my head.

So really, it would make a much better direct to DVD feature, and might be worth a rent if you're a fan of the series (I might just out of curiosity), but please, stop releasing them in theaters. The more you keep making, the more of a B-Movie quality you'll have with them, and it's already showing.


Love Lover said...

I thought you said you liked b movies. :P

And were not going to see this new one are we? :(

Redhead Metalhead said...

I sometimes like B-Movies, and I like A-Movies that are on purposely made to have some sort of B-Movie quality to them for humor purposes. I don't, however, like B-Movies masquerading as A-Movies.

And no, sweeheart, we don't have to see that movie. Or, at least you don't. If I get a hair up my ass, I might check it out for myself, but you don't have to. :)