Saturday, August 29, 2009

Movies in a Nutshell: Final Destination Series

A new Final Destination movie is coming out. Big whoop. The first two movies were great, but nowadays I can easily tell, at least in some way, what's going to happen. Watch as I spoil the newest movie for you without even having to see it.

"The Final Destination Series in a Nutshell"

A bunch of people are involved, unwittingly, in cheating death by some person in the group having a premonition, who in turn saves them out of sheer terror. Sure enough, his/her premonition comes true, and everyone is killed off one by on by some "supernatural force" (they never say it's Death, but it's easy to figure out). But they're not just killed off in a normal way most of the time. Usually what happens is something like a Rube Goldberg machine. For example, a fire hydrant bursts for no apparent reason, the cap of which hits a fat guy in the crotch, to which he falls on the end of a board in a construction zone, which launches something heavy into the air, which knocks into telephone pole wires and makes them fall and crackle with electricity, which hit the ground where the water from the fire hydrant is spreading, which one person, the victim, is standing on instead of being smart and running the fuck away from the action going on, thus the victim is killed through electric shock.

After a couple of people die, the main character, the person with the premonition (and, for some stupid reason, always the last person to die, both in the premonitions and the movie) starts seeing the obscure signs that hint at not only who dies next, but how they die. That person, and maybe one other, try to save the others, and themselves, from Death. This, however, causes a change in "Death's List." The person who was saved is now the last person marked. In other words, that person's going to die anyway, but it's later rather than thirty seconds ago. However, the cycle never stops, even if you're saved a million times. What fun it is to know that you're never safe!

Eventually, everybody dies. Yes, in every movie, everybody dies, at least they eventually do, whether in the end of the current movie, in the next one, or even in between movies.


First off, The Final Destination (in other words, Final Destination 4) should not have been called that. It's confusing because it only adds the word "The" to the title compared to the first movie. So it really should've been named . . . well, Final Destination 4. Why did they not choose that instead?

Second, this new movie has the same fucking formula as with the rest of the movies in the series. The only reason they keep making Final Destination movies is to create more unique (and usually unrealistic) death scenes, like the one I described above, although that one was just one that I made up. However, I'm sure the movie makers are going to use that in a future installment now that I made it up. Trust me, it's not hard to do. It took me less than a minute to type that out just off the top of my head.

So really, it would make a much better direct to DVD feature, and might be worth a rent if you're a fan of the series (I might just out of curiosity), but please, stop releasing them in theaters. The more you keep making, the more of a B-Movie quality you'll have with them, and it's already showing.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Movies in a Nutshell: Quarantine

The premise of "Movies in a Nutshell" is pretty simple: Describe or parody the basic premise or trademark of a whole movie or, if applicable, movie series. I saw Quarantine recently, so I'm starting with that one.

"Quarantine in a Nutshell"

"Hi, I'm a news lady here filming a documentary about firefighters. This is boring, but it's in the movie anyway. Let's skip to the more interesting part of the movie, shall we?"

*An old lady bites a cop, and that starts a chain that turns several people into rabid zombies. That's also when the super shaky camera starts making people sick more than any other part of the movie. Also, incessant screaming starts, mainly from the main girl.*





"GWAR!" *Crunchcrunchbitecrunch*


"COME ON! HURRY UP! HURRY, CAMERA GUY! HURRYHURRYHURRYHURRYHURRY!" *Door slams. Zombies scratch and bang on the door constantly. Doesn't matter anyway because some people in the room become zombies!*



*Firefighter kicks major ass until he somehow gets bitten in a lackluster way. Last two people left (the news crew, oddly enough) are chased into attic. Girl still screams and moans.*


(At this point I want to smack this girl and tell her to shut the fuck up for the sake of keeping her and the camera guy alive, especially considering there's another fucking zombie in the attic! Big surprise, huh?).

"Oh no! Apparently, the guy living in the attic was in a cult, and he started this whole thing by stealing the virus from a military base! Oh shit, he's in the room! Luckily, he can't see us, so be quiet!"

Of course, the stupid bitch screams AGAIN!


*Camera guy dies*

Now what are you going to do, dumbass? If you can just reach the camera . . . oh, too bad! You got dragged away by the zombie to die! Nobody survives because of you, not even yourself!


. . . But wait a minute! They showed the ending in the advertisements, didn't they? Hell, they even put it on the fucking cover for the movie! What the fuck were the movie makers thinking? To be fair, not many people would have figured that would have been the ending before seeing it. However, it makes the ending a lot more anticlimactic and disappointing in the process!

Literally the ending of the movie.

Overall, though, the movie's not too bad. Of course, it scared the shit out of my girlfriend, but, although she did let out a scream, she at least didn't scream like the girl in this movie (I'd still love her either way, though). Also, it's a remake of a movie called [REC], which I've heard was far superior. That isn't surprising considering just about every remake is worse than the original. I've yet to see it, but now I'm curious.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Lesbian, Bisexual, or Pretending?

I am a full-fledged lesbian. That means that I just simply do not find anything about men attractive at all. I still have male friends, but they're the ones who've never even thought about hitting on me. I wouldn't be mean to them even if they did, but I'd flat out deny a date/relationship/etc. with them, even if they looked enough like girls. That's because the penis is still there, another thing I personally don't want to be involved with. I don't care whether it's the real thing or a plastic/rubber contraption shaped like one, just keep them away from me.

With that said, it boggles my mind that some lesbians actually consider using dildos and strap-on penises to use on their partners. Sometimes I just have to think, "Hey, wait a minute! You're a lesbian, aren't you? I thought you liked vaginas! What's the deal?" I can understand given an explanation (a decent one), but I just have a hard time following this even with an explanation. It just makes me think that they might be bisexual, whether they might be aware or want to admit it or not. Or, Hell, they just might just be secret porn actresses or attention seekers.

Speaking of which, what actually grinds my gears is the women who pretend to be lesbians just to attract men. You might be able to grab their attention (if they're actually into that kind of thing), but what if they actually thought you're a lesbian? That approach might not work because they'd think that you're just into women. It's just like a skit I saw on Mad TV where two guys were pretending to be in a gay relationship just to get girls, but they just stayed friends with them for a couple of decades because the girls actually believed that they were gay. Besides that point, why would you want to go kiss someone other than the person you want to be with? Why not simply go up to the person you want to hang out with? What's preventing you from doing so?

Also, I want to ask men a simple question: If you're into lesbians and actually like it that women do this in front of you to grab your attention, try thinking about if this was vice versa? If a lot of women were attracted to two guys kissing each other, would you do it for them? Tell the truth.

Speaking of men, remember the joke by Ron White that he could prove that people have at least a little gay in them? He easily convinced a guy, first by asking him if he liked porn, to which he replied that he did. Ron then asks if the guy only watched scenes with two women, to which he replied that he watched straight sex. Ron then asks if he wanted the guy to have a small penis. The guy replied that he liked big hard throbbing cock.

Another small example: Seth in Superbad says along the lines of, at one point in the movie, that he doesn't like the look of vaginas unless there's a penis inside of it.

This is not the only time I've heard men liked watching straight sex. Let me ask you men a question: why do you find it attractive to see some jackass that isn't you fucking a girl that YOU want to fuck? Wouldn't you rather be fucking her than that other guy? Why are you so into watching a penis go in and out of a vagina instead of just seeing the vagina (or Hell, more than one vagina). This completely blows my mind, and I've never in my life received a straight answer to this question (no pun intended).

Strange topic, I know, but it came about because people have asked my girlfriend and I about it a lot. I flat out refuse to use sex toys of any sort. I know there are sex toys shaped like vaginas, but I would much rather have sex with a real girl with a real vagina. But the worst question that was asked to me was if I wanted to have a sex change. Absolutely not! If a woman wanted to get a sex change, that's completely fine with me, but I'm not doing it. I feel like a woman, and I feel like a lesbian.